near wild heaven

This is now, this is here, this is me, this is what I wanted you to see.

And, of course, for all this existential confusion about teaching I've shared here lately--which seems to me now like complaining, ugh--I do also remember that there are students who are actively involved right now. I have seen a curious glint in the eyes of several of my students, an engagement, whatever. Moreover, as one of my experienced professor friends has told me for a long time, you never can tell who yuo're helping, or when what you teach will be of help. It can't exactly be calculated, although one's progress at a particular point in time must be--and is--evaluated (though usually the letter grade overshadows the true evaluation). Harriene said something in a recent comment I found interesting, about how teachers put others before themselves. That's a good observation, and one I'd be smart to remember. A lot of my confusion has to do with what I want, poor me, what I want. Instead I should keep the focus away from my own ego and on the objectives of the class.

I do things other than teach, too. Here are things I've done recently:

1) Quit smoking (one month and counting).

2) Quit drinking soda, and halved my coffee intake.

3) Started practicing yoga. I attend my first class tomorrow evening.

posted by: zithereen at October 24, 2004 09:08 | link | comments (3) |

I'm still going back and forth about teaching, which I'm hearing is about par for the course.

Today I discovered one of my students plagiarizing. This is tough because he's not a slacker or a jerk. I am not sad when those students get caught in the trap of theor own laziness. This student meets with me every week, trying to comprehend, but has a learning disability. His stress over the assignment (which, thankfully, has not been officially turned in, so I do not have to give him the ultimate penalty) led him to lift a few lines from internet sources. It took me about two miutes to find the websites he used. I'm sad that this student felt compelled to cheat. I wonder if I'm doing my job well enough. I wonder what I can do to help him, or of he needs specialized help beyond my capabilities, and if so, how I might point him in the right direction without dealing him a crushing final grade. Because grades are nice and all, but I don't think we're all that well served by them. Hell, I'm a university teacher and only got a 3.2 in undergrad (I feel some of you scoffing already, proving my point)--is the quantified value or the letter grade a true measure of what we learn? I'm concerned that this student will end up discouraged by his grade in my class, even if he ends up learning a lot.

The letter grade is more powerful than we are willing to admit.   

In my MFA program, we either got a pass or no pass for the fiction workshop we took each quarter. The idea being that you'd have to seriously screw up to not pass--and besides, it's not about earning some letter grade or some numerical value anyway, right? It's about actually caring enough to learn something for the sake of it.  

posted by: zithereen at October 22, 2004 00:16 | link | comments (3) |

I'm trying to decide if I want to be a teacher, really. It's a question I think is pretty common among folk in my position--just out of graduate school, not really accomplished in my little area, facing a heavy teaching load without a single English major. This is not a bad situation to be in, I know. It's more than I could have hoped for five years ago (when my students were all thirteen or fourteen), when I was waiting tables and living in a village outside Springfield, Ohio, when nothing much was working. Back then I had just returned from an unsuccessful stint in England, where I had managed to get a work visa but could not afford to stay. I stalked in Ambleside, in the darkness, before cutting out on my job and stalking in London just before catching my flight home, where I had to face my father's exasperation just so I could ask him to borrow his blue minivan, which lacked a functioning heater, so I could then go beg to get my old job back as a waiter. Back then, I think I would have conisdered the present, 2004 Zithereen a pretty fortunate fellow, as fortunate as I could have hoped.

So, what's the problem? It's difficult to teach material I care about to students who typically do not care about it at all. It places me in all sorts of contorted positions. Am I a salesperson? How do I deal with students who are hostile about English, hostile about learning? How do I teach the material when it feels like I'm screaming into a void, and it's difficult to know who is listening, and if they will ever be enriched by what is happening in class? These are difficult questions, but I think they're central to my decision to teach or do something else.

 

posted by: zithereen at October 16, 2004 18:59 | link | comments (8) |

A few years ago I wrote a story, then rewrote it, then used it as part of my application to UCI. Apparently Wolff and Latiolais loved it, because they invited me to their program. And the story sits on a dusty shelf for two years, until I finish my degree. Then I start thinking about it after I move to Minneapolis, how I liked the story, how I should give it another revision. I do this and come to love the story even more. But even through revision the first line of the story remained the same, and I thought I'd share it with you on this fine Saturday evening:

"I had been feeling down until the lesbian couple moved into the other half of my duplex."

posted by: zithereen at October 09, 2004 20:12 | link | comments (4) |

I seem to be having more ideas than I know what to do with. I'm serious. These ideas for stories have been pouring out of me. And yesterday, while I was suffering from grader's fatigue (which happens to me after I grade five papers in one sitting), an idea for another novel arrived. I didn't want it to arrive, although lately I've been plagued by the suspicion that my current novel project is taking on water. As in, it can't be sustained over two hundred pages. This new one, about which I find myself involuntarily excited, possibly cannot be sustained that long, either. I need to adjust my approach and process, somehow.

But I like having these ideas. It makes me happy to be alive, makes me feel like I'm operating at a heightened awareness, that I'm really listening. Not listening was one of my greatest vices when I was younger. Not listening to teachers, to readings, to the world, to my parents, to myself. I was really bad at it, and I envied people who could focus. It is a result of my education, and the importance I've placed on it, that I have learned how to listen. I think I still have plenty to learn about that, though. I can still be a better listener.

posted by: zithereen at October 06, 2004 13:10 | link | comments (6) |

Today I had a student in my lit class officially kiss my ass. It was so deftly done on his part that I almost didn't notice his lips attached to my rear end, but there it was: smooch. I have been quizzing my students on their reading, just to make sure they're doing it, and this guy was losing some focus. But after class he was all about talking books, including the 50 pages for Wednesday he'd already read! What an overachiever. It made me happy to see him choosing to climb on board, even if he will probably never love literature as much as I do. Anyway, on Wednesday we move along to Cabeza de Vaca's Castaways. Interesting read.

In other news, the writing proceeds at a steady and encouraging pace.

I hope the president loses. While I had already decided on Kerry before the debate, I found Bush's performance unsteady at best. It didn't entirely surprise me--the Iraq war is nearly impossible to justify at this point. His attempt to paint Kerry as a waffler failed because Kerry was able to deliver concise and (mostly) direct answers. Kerry may not be one of our great presidents--then again, who really knows--but he can do the job. I gave Bush four years, and I'm willing to give Kerry the same, although I fear he'll spend the whole time trying to fix Bush's problems. Which is still better than Bush making those same problems worse.

It's going to be quite a month. I think I'd like to buy a half pound of marijuana, and write in the mornings and smoke dope and read all afternoon, at least until I can cast my vote. Because October will be STRESS-ful.

posted by: zithereen at October 04, 2004 23:22 | link | comments (2) |