near wild heaven

This is now, this is here, this is me, this is what I wanted you to see.

The Lives of Writers

I spent much time over the winter making sure I had something to show for myself come spring. Well, now it is spring here, finally...a perfect 77 degrees today. And on a Friday! This meant happy hour at a bar near the river. We would have sat on the deck, but it had been utterly invaded by fratty-looking people and their yards of beer. Inside it was for us. On the way home, I blabbed to my gf about my plans for upcoming chapters of the book. Talking about it aloud reminded me how much of this has gone on in my head. I'm generally tight-lipped, about this and other things. I think I've enjoyed especially keeping the writing and revision process more private, after the constant stress of submitting work to smart people in Irvine. Of course, I can take pleasure in this privacy only because I feel like I can figure out what a story needs, what a man or a woman in my story needs, and how to get them there. I owe much of this confidence to my intensive experiences in the OC. It was terribly stressful and loneosme for me sometimes, since it seemed like Ihad been pulled from a cornpatch to wander among the Ne Yorkers and Californians in my group. But I tried to cram in as much as I could, thinking that I could sort it out later. It's now later, and I have (I think). If nothing else, I like how I go about things these days.

I've thought a lot about the conditions under which works is undertaken, written, completed, brought to bear on the world. Pierre Valieres was one of many to write a book in prison. Do yu think it influenced the way his book was written? Do you think the life that had led Vallieres to prison also contributed to this book? I think of Dostoyevsky and I know that I do not know enough about him (note: purchase a biography, soon), but I do know that he struggled and suffered greatly in his life. Yet he still wrote these monstrously long novels. I think of those I have known who have had "ideal" conditions for writing--a fellowship, say, months off in the summer. I think of fortunate moments in my own growth, and times of attrition. Mainly the thing seems to be to go  on in spite of everything. This alone separates you from almost everybody. Just go on despite bad fortune, or despite good fortune. If you do that, your conditions--your life, your state of mind, your Ph balance, whatever--will find is way into your book like you can never plan. And maybe then I wind up with something surprising even to me.

posted by: zithereen at April 15, 2006 01:22 | link | comments |

CaptionMax

This week I had an audition for a place called CaptionMax. I think it's run by a guy named Max, really, since the guy who shuttled me from spot to spot during my audition referenced a "Max" on several occasions. I wish I had a name like that, something with a dual meaning that could be cleverly used. Anyway, this place services both the hard of hearing and the visually impaired. Ever wonder where closed captioning comes from? I have. I've wondered if there's a real person typing away out there, and there really is. I saw a roomful of them. I auditioned for a job helping the visually impaired television watchers of America. If I get the job, this means I watch a television program--ranging from pottymouth Sopranos to The 700 Club--and write an accompanying narration that describes the significant unspoken action. Then I would retire to a padded room, where I would record this narration onto the television program itself. And, like, that's it.

I was due to meet Jill at 10 am on Tuesday. Five minutes before the meeting, I remembered that I was supposed to bring a writing  sample, which I had left at home. I made a panicky-like phone call to my gf, who searched in vain for my stock of photocopied articles on Patrick McCabe. Here I was, all gussied up, wearing even the Florsheims my father had bought for me back in high school (which I had worn maybe a dozen times in a dozen years), with no writing sample. Turns out it wasn't such a big deal, since Jill, who carried all the intense, Type-A air of an administrator, handed me off to a guy whose named started with a J. She did not hand me off soon enough for me to jabber, in pitious fashion, that I had, in a "very high school" way, forgotten to bring the sample. Fool! She waved off my concerns, but reproached me with her dark little eyes and fashionably arched eyebrows. Perhaps I had not needed to share  my forgetfulness in the first place, but there you have it.

Have I mentioned the workspace? It's a significant upgrade on my current situation. The offices take the second floor of a renovated warehouse in, what do yo know, the Warehouse District, near downtown. I do love the urban work setting. The walls are bricked, which is also cool, and the windows are large, allowing as much natural light as possible. I recall an adequate amount of natural light coming through the windows, and that I felt comfortable in there. This is much better than the flat, flourescent lights in my current work setting, the uncomfortable chair (I'm on my third now, and each day I have to fix a loose screw...meanwhile a lifer had a new, ergonomically correct chair delivered yesterday, wrapped in plastic), the general feeling that sitting there is punishing for my body.

So, the work would engage me on some important level, though the writing does not seem terribly difficult. I would like to think that all my training can get me this job, which Ithink now I would almost certainly accept if I got an offer--next week, they said about that stuff. I got to hear my recorded voice again,  which is always a strange experience for me as I'm sure it is for you. In fact, I got to her my recorded voice in real-time...as I was speaking. I know this is common in broadcasting but it was new to me. Fortunately, the quality of the recording was very high, so I heard my voice more clearly than I ever had. I liked it. I liked my voice. I think it was "neutral" as the job description stipulates---that uber-broad Ohio accent finally pays off--but also, you know, interesting.

posted by: zithereen at April 08, 2006 00:36 | link | comments (1) |

Dear Writer

No further news yet on my search for a skeleton, although my girlfriend asked one Chuck Baxter, former teacher of hers at the University of Mini-Soda, who informed her that skulls empty of decompasable matter are actually quite light, the cranial bones fragile. Worth considering. Plus, the upcoming chapter featuring the skeleton is maybe further away now than at any recent point. It's still maybe two chapters off, but I keep filling the current chapter with more stuff. Theme: what the narrator sees that she should not see, which she chososes to keep secret from everybody. She's kind of learning how to be a secret keeper. Later on she'll learn why secrets are worth having around, at least in her world.

My month's booty, as it were: 10 computer-typed pages, bringing the grand typed total for this daft to 90. I also wrote over 50 pages in my notebook this month, and some of that was plugged into the typed pages. Most was not, though. All in all, a very productive month.

I received a nice letter from the Stegner people this week. They still addressed it "Dear Writer," much as they did four years ago when I applied and didn't get one. Still, the letter I received this time was clearly meant for a small group of writers they considered seriously. I won't rewrite the entire letter, but here are some highlights:
       "[We] wanted to let you know that your application was read with great care and appreciation. It is through the vibrancy and commitment of work like yours that the program is able to depend upon an applicant pool of immense talent. [...] While you may not have achieved your desired outcome in this instance, we suspect that you will be successful on many future occasions in other circumstances. Furthermore, the fact that we are unable to award you a fellowship this year should not be taken as a prohibition of your reapplying, as we look forward to following your growth as a writer."

That's about as positive a review as I could have hoped for, aside from being one of the lucky ten (only five in fiction) who get these fellowships. It's immensely encouraging. I'm not at that place anymore where I am babied. Teachers and agents and people like the Stegner committee might not feel compelled to be cruel, but neither are they obligated to say a single thing they do not mean. That's a big difference in my world since going to Irvine. Beforehand, I couldn't tell how honestly my teachers spoke with me about my work, and that alwas bothered me. I wanted a frank assessment, because I really wanted to know what my teachers thought. It was important for me to get it unfiltered and grainy. I had difficulty finding that until I went to UCI. Granted, GW and others can be baffling in their allegiances to one writer's work over another's (it makes for delightful post-workshop grumbling, however), but I always knew what they think, and usually they wre right. GW in particular branded me a UCI grad with his sober assessment of my thesis. All of this has taken awhile to adjust to. It's intense. But it's also honest and in that way it is liberating.

Anyway, I have been interested in how this novel would be read by the outside world. Early returns are good. It's earned me the interest of an agent who, again, owes me not a single false compliment, a positive letter from Stegner. It's heartening, especially as I have written this throughout my soul-fuck temp time.

posted by: zithereen at April 01, 2006 16:12 | link | comments |